When I realized we had lost Owen, I knew I wanted to hold him and touch him and love on his little body for as long as I could. I will never forget the time I had with him. I was so thankful that he was perfectly formed and whole when I delivered him.  He had all his tiny fingers and toes. His precious arms and legs were all fully formed and I marveled at how small he was. He fit my hand perfectly.  He was about 5 inches long and oh so perfect. I wanted everyone to know about him. I wanted other people to know his name. He was my son!  

​

Losing a baby can be a lonely grief.  As a mother, you were the only one to actually carry that baby their entire life.  You were the one that felt your baby’s presence.  You were the one who experienced morning sickness and exhaustion, and then suddenly its all over- often times without any warning. 

Here’s the thing…I have no idea how I would have survived without my faith in my Lord.  I struggled a lot those first few weeks and months, crying out to the Lord, asking why He gave me Owen for such a short time. I had a lot of guilt too.  I wasn’t super excited about having a fourth son. Owen was unexpected and it took me a while to adjust to the news we were having another baby boy. I am thankful the Lord brought me to the place where I was excited about Owen before we found out we lost him.  

​

The song amazing grace has a verse that says, “The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope endures, He will my Shield and portion be as long as life endures.”  I couldn’t sing those words for a long time after Owen died. I kept on crying out to God saying “This doesn’t FEEL good.”  I was mad that I lost my baby. I was mad that other people were still having babies but mine was gone. I was mad that I had to go through a very sick pregnancy only to lose my baby. I was mad that I was dealing with postpartum emotions but didn’t have my baby to hold!

But God so kindly through His word and through friends showed me that through His Word my hope endures- His word says He will never leave me or forsake me, His word says He loves me and sent His son to die for my sins and to give me eternal life, His word says I will experience hardships and trials but He is still with me. He has never promised me that things are going going to FEEL good. But He IS good and what He has given me through Christ IS GOOD.

We walk through grief and pain and feel like things are out of control, but we have a Father in Heaven who loves us and is in control.  God sent His one and only son to die for our sins. He gave up his Son. I lost my son.  He gave up His son for ME- a sinner in desperate need of rescue.  Those days and nights when I felt desperate and just aching to feel my baby on chest, the Lord was there reminding me that He loved me and cared for me…reminding me that if He gave up His Son for me, He would walk through this with me. 

​

As Wade and I started thinking about how we could honor Owen’s life, we knew that we wanted other families to be able to experience peace and hope through Christ like we are able to experience. With the Owen Memorial Fund families will receive funds to help with burial or private cremation costs, but they will also receive the book, “I will Carry You” by Angie Smith- I read this book a year before I lost Owen never knowing how much it would prepare me for when I lost him.   They will also receive a Bible- praying that they will find Christ and know for themselves the hope, peace and forgiveness He brings.  They will receive a letter from me and my contact information so that they can reach out to me if they ever need to talk about their baby, pray and or cry. 

​

Our prayer and hope is that these families will find their hope in our Lord and Savior. We may never know why trials come to us, why we lose babies, and loved ones, but we can know that we have a God who loves us, and GAVE His Son up for us so that we may have eternal life.